Inkblot
by yellowmile
Summary: She's insane. Everyone is convinced that she was. He's looking for answers. Everyone is convinced he'll never find them. AU.
1. Chapter 1

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

The sound was clear and loud. One could have their attention elsewhere and still hear the interrupting noise. Clare Edwards was an exception. She didn't need - nor wanted - to have her attention elsewhere. Because when she sat in front of her bedroom window and watched the rain pour from the sky and dampen the earth, she felt numb.

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

It was always good to feel numb. Then one wouldn't have the burden to deal with _feelings. _Clare Edwards wasn't one to deal with things nowadays. She avoided them like the plague. Emotions could be indeed known as something _dangerous. _They can make your insides feel a lot of different things at once. Some good. Some bad.

Clare Edwards wasn't willing to take that risk.

It was funny though, the 18 year old was never always like this. She used to be happy, good spirited and full of _life. _Nothing and _no one _could bring her down. _Everyone _knew that. That was why she was so well liked. Everyone wanted a friend whom can cheer them up and make them smile.

_Everyone._

Clare knew she couldn't make everyone happy. She _knew _that. But it never stopped her from trying. And sometimes, trying too hard don't always lead to good outcomes…

She rethinks this every time, every time she sits in her simple chair, dressed in her simple clothes and looking out her simple window, to see the simple world….. But it wasn't always simple. No, the world was hard, cruel and rough. The only way to survive is to be realistic. Which means not everyone will be happy. Clare never realized _that_….

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

She squeezes her eyes shut and clasps her hands together tightly, easing the tension that threatens to deteriorate her lifeless insides. She was finally feeling good(however she defined it)for a few days without any slip ups and she _wasn't _going to let that be ruined now.

Soon, the grip on her hands lost circulation and the numbing haze took over her body and she slouched in her chair. The rain was still polluting the earth and the sun was hiding. Clare liked it better when the sun was hiding. The sun was too bright. Too happy.

And now, Clare knows that happy is _never_ a good thing.

* * *

><p><strong>Cryptic, I know. I was in Anthropology class the other day and we were watching a movie and it made me think of a story. This story will probably be the darkest out of all that I have ever written. It's also my first Third Person POV, so I hope I don't screw up on that. And don't worry, chapters will be way longer, its just this was perfect as it was. If I added more, it would seem sloppy and cluttered. Hope you enjoyed!<strong>

**I do not own Degrassi.  
><strong>


	2. Chapter 2

"_You love me, right?"_

_The dark haired boy drew in a deep breath of the words his lover has been repeating for the past 5 months. Every single day when they would be together, whether they were lounging in their favourite book store or laying on the hood of _Morty_, she would always ask those same words. And in honesty, the teenage boy was tired of it. Of course he loved her. He loved her so much it hurt him, but it was hurting him that she didn't trust him enough to believe him._

"_Yes, Jules. I love you," he replied in the same heavy tone he would do every single day._

_The raven haired beauty smiled a genuine filled smiled that made the boys' heart melt. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't stay mad at her. She was his world. His everything and he would never want to lose her._

"_Let's go on the swings," she exclaimed before hopping off the hood of the boy's beloved car and jogging towards the jungle gym._

_The teenage girl swung her legs forward and let out a loud giggle as she swung back in forth. The boy watched her with a warm smile on his face from a far, before joining her on the other set. _

_He never liked swings. In fact, he despised them. But they made _her _happy. And making her happy was all that mattered. _

"_What are we supposed to do, Jules? We're going to be going in grade 10 and - believe it or not - Cece and Bullfrog have high expectations for me this year," the young teen sighed loudly while kicking the sand pathetically._

"_Eli," she interrupted, knowing exactly how her boyfriend usually turns into a worry wart. "You know you do well in school. I've seen your grades. You'll do fine."_

_He wasn't convinced but when she leaned over and pressed her lips gently to his, all thoughts of stress faded away. His need for her grew each time they were together and he'll never get enough of her. _

_He wanted her forever._

.

"_**We have now arrived at Toronto station. Repeat, Toronto station.**_"

The nineteen year old stirred from his extreme vivid memory and stood up from his seat. He grabbed his bags and boarded off the train, the busy noises of _Toronto Train Station _buzzing in his mind like an alarm. He put one of his bags over his shoulder as he tried to find his way out on to the streets.

Before he leaves, the main booth catches his attention and he knocks on the glass. A round faced man opens the glass with beady eyes.

"Hi, do you know where _York University _is?" Eli asked, holding up his map to navigate the city. He thought it would be easier to ask someone who knows the city to ask for directions.

"Just a few blocks down on your left," the elder man said in a taut voice. "You be careful though. The place is still a little shaken."

Eli nodded and thanked the man before leaving the station. It takes about 20 minutes before the campus comes into view. Men are guarding the gates and the outside is empty. When Eli approaches, he shows his ID and is cleared before given access to enter. When he enters the school and heads straight to the Dean's office, people are already waiting for him.

"Ah, Eli Goldsworthy. So glad you could make it," a man in a dark suit greets, shaking the younger male's hand.

Two other men and a woman greet him as well before they take a seat.

"Well, I'm here to do my job," Eli shrugged.

"Yes, you are. Do you have any idea how you will proceed with 'this'," the Dean asked, occupying his leather seat behind his mahogany desk.

"I'll need to interview. The staff, friends, family members. I should at least have more then one interview each day," Eli took out his trusty black notebook and scribbled down words only he knew the code for.

"How exactly will this help?" The woman piped in her conservative but curious voice.

"If I find out the regular patterns of their human behaviour, it could piece together what you're trying to find. However, I make no promises," Eli replied, eyes never leaving his paper.

"Wait, 'no promises'? Jeez, Bill I thought you said this kid was good," a younger man in glasses interjected annoyed.

"I am," Eli snapped before anyone could answer. "But the human mind is a complex thing. And there will always be things that won't be revealed. You just need to deal with that."

The room fell silent.

After a few moments, it was starting to become suffocating.

"Who would you like to speak to first?" asked the Dean.

"Minor relations to the incident. A few acquaintances, perhaps. Then we'll move onto the actual friends and then family," Eli finished writing down his list and lifted his head to face the Dean. "You said there was one that could be extremely vital for this."

The elder man suddenly looked uncomfortable as he fidgeted in his chair and cleared his throat hoarsely. Eli took note of this and estimated this held more significance then he could ever imagine.

"There was one…..survivor," the man finally spoken, his face turning pale. "She's not in our school for the time being. Apparently, some traumatic issues occurred…._afterwards._"

"It's expected," Eli stated matter-of-factly.

"Well, yes. But the thing is, she might not exactly be easy to _reach _out to. Do you understand what I am trying to say?"

"Yes, I do. And I have a few theories on what this might be that she is going through. She is more significant then any other person involved. I'll have to speak to her last."

"Very well. So when do you want to start?"

"Tomorrow. 12:00 sharp. I'll be interviewing the students."

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><p><strong>Thank you, whoever reads this and the review. If anyone still likes it...I hope you enjoyed.<br>**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**


	3. Chapter 3

_The brown haired boy fixed the gray-knit beanie on his head before pulling on his backpack strap and drawing in a deep breath. His eyes stayed planted straight ahead but he was aware of the presence beside him._

"_Are you scared?" the auburn haired girl asked him quietly, twiddling her thumbs nervously._

"_Nah, it's only university," the young boy dismissed but didn't sound convincing. "We have been waiting for this day forever, after all."_

"_I guess so," she nodded. "But it's still a little nerve-wracking. No more living with our parents, no more high school."_

_They started to walk towards the school. It was their very first day, even though they already had their dorms and things unpacked, it was tradition for them to always start by standing outside the school. To get a good view of it. They did this every year. Since preschool. _

"_You make it sound like we're moving to a different planet," the young man mused, looking carefully at the students shuffling inside and out of the school._

"_Not a different planet," the girl said. "But it is very different if you look at it. We're kind of free."_

_Both teens lived a hard and sheltered life. The young girl was more then glad to be free from her parents strict rules and - sometimes - petty arguments. The young boy was just happy to be away from his mom. He loved her dearly, but she was too protective of him. He was still in shock that she allowed him to live on campus, but thankful nonetheless. _

"_Yeah, free," he agreed. "Do you think from everything though?"_

_She looked at him, giving him a sad smile. She knew exactly what he was referring to and she only hoped that things would be better. For the both of them._

"_Adam, things will be different," she slipped her hand through his. "I promise."_

_He smiled at her and gently squeezed her hand. "You know, Clare… I just might hold you to that."_

_._

It was sunny today, and everything looked bright.

Clare Edwards hated it. She hated it because it reminded her how the world can go from crappy one day and happy to the next. It was a peculiar way to look at things but that's how she was.

The door knocked but she didn't respond. It was routine. She barely responded to anything nowadays. The door opened and it was her mother, looking as bright as the sun. Clare wanted to hide.

"Sweetie, you have a visitor," her motherly tone was something Clare was used to and knew it was for show. "Is that okay?"

Clare stared at her mother blankly, pulling her sleeves over her hands; another thing she was accustomed to. She waited until her mother left, but instead of her leaving, a young man dressed in black entered the room.

"Clare, honey," her mother urged. "He is just going to talk to you, okay?"

Of course, Clare didn't respond, but it wasn't because of her daily reason: she was too infatuated with the stranger standing in front of her. Black, shaggy hair and bright, piercing green eyes were his prominent features. His fingers were coloured in black polish and rings were splayed on his fingers.

Clare was fascinated.

"Hey," he said, voice a little hoarse and quiet.

Clare blinked and raised an eyebrow. He looked awkward and uncomfortable. His backpack hung loosely on his shoulder.

"Do you know why I'm here?" he asked, grabbing the chair beside the wall and taking a seat. "I'm supposed to find out exactly what happened."

This wasn't new for Clare. Different men and women came to visit her throughout the months. But they usually were dressed in fancy suits and stern looks on their faces. This man didn't look that much older then Clare.

It went silent for a few minutes. Clare sat up against her headboard and the man looked pensive.

"I can't do this," he said before taking off his jacket. "We both clearly know that these people expect me to find out exactly what happened in one session and magically 'cure' you."

Clare's eyes widened at his bluntness, but was a little more intrigued by it.

He leaned his elbows on his knees and looked her straight in the eye. "Listen, I only know bits of went down and I don't know how you feel about that. I never will. But I'm willing to listen."

"You have nice eyes," Clare blurted, the first thing she's said in months. Clare waited for some big outburst or reward for speaking, but she didn't get any.

"Thank you," he said softly. "Your eyes aren't so bad either. Big baby blues."

The one trait she was complimented on the most in her life.

"I don't like the colour blue," she echoed, looking at her wall that was draped with photos. "Blue makes people happy."

"You don't like people being happy?"

"I tried… to make him happy. It doesn't last long," her eyes strayed away, staring aimlessly at God knows what. "It never does. People should just realize that."

"I see. Never thought of it that way."

There was a pondering look on his face, as if the insight from a crazy person was something intelligent.

Clare laughed.

"What's so funny?" he asked, eyebrows disappeared under his bangs.

"Everything. Life is funny itself," she giggled before turning serious again. "What are you? You look too young to be a doctor."

"I'm an undergraduate psychology student. I finished a little early," he chuckld and Clare noticed the nervous tinge to it.

"So… you're supposed to see how crazy I am?" she asked, sounding amused.

"No," he shook his head quickly. "I know for a fact you are not crazy. The closet to a crazy person in this room would be me."

"How so?"

"I'm bipolar," he said nonchalantly. "And I've had my freak outs, my mood swings, my insane moments… I don't think I'd be afraid of anything else."

"It must be terrifying… To have to fight your own mind. You want to win… but you'll always lose to yourself," she bit her lip before tapping her chin. "Something must've trigged your manic depression."

Clare noticed the man looked suddenly uncomfortable. She shouldn't have asked anything but curiosity always got the best of her.

_Curiosity killed the cat…_

"What's your name anyways?" she inquired, crossing her legs. "I find it funny that I don't know your name."

"Eli."

"Eli… I like it. Its different but it's nice," she smiled. "His name was a nice one too. But a very common one."

"Who's?" Eli said, confusion colouring his tone.

"Don't do that," she demanded, pointing a finger at him. "Don't act like you don't know. You're supposed to keep up. All of us are. But we fall behind easily. He had to keep up. He wouldn't try."

"Why wouldn't he keep up?" Eli asked.

"He was too slow. You can't be slow in life. It will trample you and finish before you do. Then it just keeps going on and on… forgets all about you," she used her hand to emphasize the point.

"Do you miss him?"

Clare whipped her head towards Eli. "Do I miss him? What? Is that all you have to say? Is it supposed to be easy to answer?"

He looked a little affronted and shocked by her sudden out burst but she wasn't finished.

"No one misses anyone in this world! There's nothing to miss!" she jumped off her bed and he stood up from his chair, backing away as when she went up to his face. "How is that possible? Do you expect me to answer something that isn't real? Get out! You need to save yourself! What are you doing just standing there? He's going to kill you if he sees you. He wants me! So go. I don't want your death on my shoulders. GO!"

His eyes were wide with shock but he slowly went out of his trance in a matter of seconds. He left her room and Clare jumped back on her bed before hiding under the covers.

"_Save yourself…"_

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><p><strong>Thank you so much for your reviews! I hope you enoyed.<strong>

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**


	4. Chapter 4

"_Don't walk away from me!"_

_Julia furiously whipped her head, icy eyes glaring daggers at him. He didn't understand why she was being so difficult. Doesn't she understand he wants her to be safe?_

"_I don't take orders from anyone," Julia snapped. "I do not want you in my business."_

"_I'm trying to protect you!" Eli yelled frantically. "I'm scared for you, Jules. You need to tell someone about this."_

_Julia crossed her arms and shook her head in irritation. Eli was used to her being so stubborn but for a situation like this, was not the right time for it._

"_So you can become the hero?" she accused venomously. She walked up to him and started pushing on his chest. "You want to save me, Eli Goldsworthy? Will that give you some purpose with your life? I don't need any saving!"_

_She kept pushing on his chest and Eli tumbled back each time, trying to grab her wrists but she was persistent._

"_Julia, it's okay, it's okay," he soothed, trying to hold her but she still put up a fight._

"_No! NO!" she screamed and started to cry. She finally let go and buried her face in Eli's shirt. _

_He rested his cheek on the top of her head and let her sob freely in his arms. He wanted her so badly to tell someone. The bruises were becoming worse and her personality was dulling with each day. He whispered soothing words in her ear and she held onto him for dear life. That is until, she withdrew abruptly and covered her arms around herself, shaking in sadness._

"_What is it?" he asked softly._

"_I don't need comfort," she said stubbornly. "I refuse to be the victim!"_

_Her claim didn't surprise Eli. He knew what she was like; the most stubborn and strong person he's ever known. So it didn't hurt him when she didn't want to be in his arms at the moment._

"_Okay, then," Eli agreed cautiously. "If you decide that, then you can tell someone about this. You're strong, Julia. I know you can get through this."_

"_Why do you do that?" she asked in a juvenile whisper, tough shield crumbling from her expression._

"_Do what?" he asked in the same tone._

"_Believe that I'm some strong person who could get through anything," she responded, disbelief colouring her tone. "I'm not strong, Eli. I'm a waste."_

"_You're not," he stated mutely. He walked over to her and grabbed her cheek. "You are so much more then you give yourself credit for. And I love you for it."_

_She smiled and leant into his touch, a simple tear shedding from her closed eyes. Eli captured the tear with his lips before kissing her forehead and holding her once more._

"_I love you, Eli."_

_It was the first time she ever said those words. And Eli couldn't be happier._

_._

He splashed water on his face and took in a deep breath as he stared into the mirror. He looked terrible. He knew it. Everyone knew it. But he could care less. He grabbed his pill bottle and took out two capsules before filling a cup with water and popping them in his mouth.

He couldn't sleep last night.

It was weird and abrupt for him; he hasn't had insomnia in over a year. Surely, it would be normal for a person to not be able to sleep once in awhile. But Eli's insomnia was something not to take light on. He knew last night was the exact same thing he'd been fighting over for so many months. But what really had him boggled was _what _the reason was why he stayed up all night. It wasn't his regular explanation.

It was _her._

The abnormal girl that he was hired to analyze. There was something about her that had Eli fascinated then his regular patients. She was definitely going through psychological trauma, but she wasn't crazy. She knows exactly what goes around her and handles it in such a unique way. Eli would have to use different techniques to find out exactly what happened to her and what exactly she has.

_KNOCK! KNOCK!_

Eli went out of the bathroom and opened the door to see the Dean from _York._ The elder man looked a little affronted as he took in Eli's appearance. It then just dawned on Eli that he wasn't wearing a shirt.

"Mr. Goldsworthy," the Dean addressed professionally.

"Dean Peters," Eli replied before leaving the door opened and going in his bedroom to find a shirt.

"I know this living arrangement must be _different _for you, but I assume there are no complaints," Dean Peters said.

Eli returned the living room and sat down on the couch across from the Dean.

"Not at all," Eli said, fixing the shirt over him. "Besides I'm here to work, not to worry where I stay."

"Very well," Dean Peters nodded. "Now I understand you met up with Clare Edwards yesterday. How did that go?"

Eli grabbed his bag and pulled out his notebook, different types of notes splayed over it.

"First off, the family members have no idea why something like this would happen. There were no signs. Friends and staff were just as oblivious. But she knows something," Eli said knowingly.

"And what would that be?" the older man inquired anxiously, gray eyes bugging out.

"I don't know," Eli said thoughtfully. "I probably won't for a long time either. I was surprised she even spoke to me yesterday."

"I'm afraid we'll have to speed up the process then," Dean Peters said, tension in his voice. "We need to find out exactly what happened, Mr. Goldsworthy."

"You need to understand something, Dean Peters," Eli started, his voice almost threatening. "This type of psychological abuse takes time to recover from. This girl may not even recover at all. If I force the information out of her, she'll probably never get the help she needs, and _you _wouldn't get your answers."

Eli didn't care if he sounded harsh. He knew, first hand, that interrogating someone with a mental illness was never the way to get anything done. The outcomes could be dangerous. They were for him.

"Okay, I won't intervene," Dean Peters surrendered before standing up. "Are you going to see her again?"

"I'll be seeing her everyday," Eli nodded. "I'm going there soon today."

"I could take you there," Dean Peters offered. "Could save some time."

"No thanks," Eli shook his head. "I've got the transportation handled.

The Dean gave a defeated sigh and left the apartment. As much as nice it was that the elder man offered help, Eli didn't want it. He found out that working alone is always better.

For everyone.

_._

When he reached Clare's house, Helen Edwards practically jumped him with appreciation. She was so happy that someone was finally able to reach out to her daughter. Eli responded to her politely as possible before going upstairs to Clare's room.

The young girl's eyes seemed to lit up when Eli entered the room. He was satisfied he was doing something right. She was seated the exact same way as she was before; legs crossed in the centre of the bed, and arms seated in her lap. Eli sat in the chair that he occupied yesterday, thinking this would be more comfortable for Clare if things were fairly similar to yesterday.

"You're back," she said with a smile on her face. "I didn't think you'd be back."

"It's kind of my job," Eli said. "How are you today?"

"The sun isn't out today," Clare said, looking at the window. "When the sun is not out, that's when I feel comfortable."

Eli watched carefully as her posture slouched and her eyes widened in some sort of trance. She was relaxed. Gray weather made her relaxed.

"Hmm, I know some people who feel the same way," Eli said.

"Really?" Clare said curiously, looking back towards Eli. "You mean, people think the same way I do?"

"Of course. The human mind is unique in many ways but also very a like with others."

"That I could believe," Clare giggled. "I just wish the people I want to think like me would, you know?"

Eli knew exactly what she was referring to and it was a little weird how she was able to say exactly how he was feeling.

"I know," Eli breathed.

She tilted her head and looked at him like she knew what he was thinking. Her baby blues hid a lot of things, he knew that. He was willing to find out, no matter how many people thought it was a lost cause.

"I would like to know something, Eli," she said, tapping her chin. "Why didn't he listen to me?"

Eli knew for a fact she was referring to the same 'he' that she kept rambling on about yesterday. He also knew how important this person was and is the key to Clare's thoughts. She was looking at him as if his answer depended on so much. And he didn't know why, but in that moment, he wanted to feed her a lie. To tell her exactly what she wanted to hear. It was against everything he worked for and believed in and that kind of scared him.

"I don't know, Clare," he finally said, watching as her face crumbled. "Sometimes, people don't want to listen."

"I hate him," she said bluntly. "I hope God forgives me. Can I go back to school tomorrow?"

"No," Eli shook his head sympathetically. "Not for a very long time."

"Why not? I'm not the crazy one. You even said it yourself. Unless you lied to me," she narrowed her eyes dangerously and clenched her hands.

"I didn't lie to you. It's not my orders to not have you in school."

"At least you didn't lie to me then," Clare said relieved. "If you ever lie to me, I will hate you forever. Okay?"

"Yeah," Eli said in understanding. "Why don't we talk about what you like to do?"

They talked for hours that day. Clare would only go off topic every so often and gave hints of what happened the day of the accident. Eli made a mental note to write down the hints later at home. He personally thought it was rude for the patient to be writing down notes in front of them. It was a rule he worked by ever since he graduated. All and all though, the day was more successful then the first and Eli knew that in the future, Clare would tell him what happened.

He had faith that she would.

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><p><strong>Your reviews made me so happy. Thank you so much! I hope you enjoyed this chapter!<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

_She heard a blow. A loud one that alarmed her senses and quickened her pulse. She looked around the hall but everything was silent. She stopped abruptly when another blow was heard. Groans and yelps echoed far away and Clare started to panic. _

_She didn't know why, but her feet started to run. She followed the noises and started to feel a plummeting sense of dread when she rounded a corner. A set of doors stood in front of her and she pushed on them with all her might, racing down the stairs and freezing when she reaches the second landing._

_Bloody and broken he laid._

"_Adam!" she gasped and crouched down to his level immediately._

_He coughed violently and she took in the gashes on his cheek and the groan he released when trying to move. She lifted his shirt - past the wraps - and saw the dark, purple bruises colouring his pale skin. She almost cried in horror but everything inside her felt frozen._

"_Who did this to you?" she asked quietly, but wished it sounded more threatening. _

_This wasn't the first time. He's been severely picked on and beaten since they were children. Clare always did her best to protect him but it was always too consistent for her to stop them on her own. But Adam never told anyone. He was very stubborn and it made Clare angry at times. He would also make her swear too not to tell anyone. She valued his word but that was when they were younger. _

_They were in University for goodness sakes! This was getting ridiculous. _

"_They know, Clare," Adam rasped before releasing more violent coughs. _

"_It's okay," Clare cooed, pulling him into her lap. "They won't tell anyone."_

"_But they will!" he retorted, wincing from lifting his head. "They promised they would."_

_Clare looked into his innocent, blue eyes and knew he was scared. He was scared his whole life and Clare was always there to help him. And she knew what would happen if they told the Dean or reported the lunatics who caused this - Adam would return to his old life. _

_Isolation. Suffocation. Misery._

_His mother was the cause of all these terrible factors and Adam thought he escaped them. If his mom finds out what happened - he would be home schooled or sent to a facilitation that was very private and lonely._

_Clare didn't want that for him._

"_We have to tell someone."_

_But she didn't want him to get killed either._

"_Are you insane?" he roared hoarsely. He tried to stand up and Clare helped him carefully but he kept jerking relentlessly. "We _cannot _tell anyone about this. Ever."_

_Clare gave him a look of sorrow. She was caught between doing what was best for Adam or staying true to him. Clare wasn't a little girl anymore though and she new right from wrong. Maybe she could persuade him._

"_Maybe we could just tell-"_

"_Swear it."_

"_Adam-"_

"Swear it."

_He was glaring at her and she sighed, knowing she had to do it. She was all he had after all._

"_I swear."_

.

"So what exactly am I supposed to do?"

"Just tell me what you see on the sheet."

"That's all?"

"That's all."

Clare looked at the sheet of paper curiously, taking in the different shapes imprinted on it. She narrowed her eyes and tried to distinguish each shape from the other but everything was too scattered. She knew that - whatever this was - had something to do with her mind. Eli was probably ordered to give her this because ever since he visited her - all they did was talk.

Their talks always brightened her day.

She didn't know why exactly - but Eli talked to her like a _normal _person. Even though he wasn't obligated to - he would always make her feel comfortable to talk. Sure, he did ask questions that he was supposed to ask, but he never pressured her to tell him.

"I see butterfly wings," Clare said, biting her lip in contempt. "Also some rocks."

Eli looked her in bewilderment. "Rocks?"

Clare smiled at his confusion. There was something so child-like about it. As if it were the first time his innocent mind were being exposed to new information.

"Yes," she nodded. "Did I do it wrong?"

He shook his head, taking the paper from her. "There is no right or wrong way of doing it. The point of this test is to see how you percept images."

Ah. A way to see if Clare was different from any other normal person. Maybe it was a way to find out if she was a psychopath or sociopath. She found the idea sort of intriguing but also depressing. She didn't want to be labelled as _insane._

"So are you going to analyze this when you go home?" Clare asked, crossing her legs.

"Probably," Eli said, moving more professionally in his seat. "I need to talk to you about a certain something… more like someone."

Clare stiffened and zeroed her eyes on the bed. "Have you ever had to keep a secret that you weren't allowed to tell anybody?"

She observed how his jaw locked and his fingers clenched on top of his jeans. She struck a nerve and - in that moment - she would give anything to know what he was thinking. She knew it was somehow related to what she went through and that gave her a sense of comfort that she hasn't felt in ages.

"I may," he said in tight-lipped response.

Clare squinted her eyes. "You had to promise someone something. You weren't allowed to say anything - no matter how heart-wrenching it was for you, didn't you? This person was important to you."

His eyes darkened. "We're talking about you - not me."

"He was important to me, too," she said, looking across the room, completely disregarding Eli's rude comment. "He made me promise…"

"Was it hard to keep that promise?" he asked, a little softer this time.

Clare looked at him, expressionless. "I've been keeping that promise since I was 4 years old. The time span became too long for me to feel anything towards the effects of keeping it."

"Did you end up telling someone anyways?"

Clare looked at her hands, a small smile tugging at her lips. "What do you think?"

"I don't know," he said after a moments pause.

"Then I guess you never will," she said simply, folding her hands together. "But I'll tell you this - sometimes keeping things buried can cause you to sink deeper and deeper… you don't recognize yourself anymore. I think you might know what I mean. Am I right, Eli?"

His eyes widened a little and Clare knew, once again, that she was growing closer on revealing his past - whether he liked it or not.

The door suddenly opened and Clare's mood flattened as her mother stood at the doorway. She looked at Clare happily and it made the younger female uneasy.

"How's everything going?" she asked, seeming interested but Clare could catch the façade under that fake smile of hers'.

"Good," Eli smiled politely at the elder woman, standing up form the chair.

"How about you, Clare?" she asked, expecting an answer.

Clare stared at her.

Her mother sighed in exasperation but didn't make any move to leave.

"Don't take it personally, Ms. Edwards," Eli explained in the smallest detail as possible.

But it _was _personal. Clare couldn't stand to look at her mother after everything that happened. She truly understood how heartless of a woman her mother actually was. She didn't want to associate with someone like that anymore. She _despised _people like that.

"I won't," her mother laughed in a stale manner before slowly walking over to Clare's bed and taking a seat.

"Eli says you've been doing really well lately and I think I should try something with you."

Clare wanted to tell her off but stayed mute instead.

"What exactly did you have in mind?" Eli asked, but he sounded reluctant.

"Oh, maybe outside for a little walk," she suggested, still smiling at Clare. "What do you say, honey?"

Her mother touched her arm and something snapped inside of her.

She was transformed back in _the_ place. Her heart pounding loudly and her screams paralyzed at the back of her throat. Clare looked around helplessly and paranoia started to go through her.

It was happening.

Screams echoed through her brain and blood curled in her vision. No, it wasn't happening again. But it was all too real. They were surrounding her, purposely staining themselves in her vision so she couldn't escape. No. No! NO!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Clare didn't realize she was the one screaming. It was simply out of her control. She thrashed and pleaded.

"Please! NO! NO!"

Tears sprung from her eyes and she could hear a voice being muddled in her mind but she couldn't separate the thoughts. Her name was being called. Being screamed. She didn't know which one to listen to.

"Clare!"

She opened her eyes and she locked with green ones. His hands were cupped over her cheeks and he breathed softly. Clare's cheeks were wet with tears and her breathing was shaky. She tried to fully pull away from that scene but it still shook inside her.

"Clare, breathe in and out," Eli commanded in the softest voice she ever heard. "Just breathe."

She obeyed and started to breathe normally again. She thought he would then release his hold on her but he didn't budge. He still stared deeply in her eyes and breathed in sync with her. She felt herself relax after each intake.

"You're okay," he whispered. "_You're okay."_

Even if he thought she was, she knew she wasn't.

* * *

><p><strong>Your sweet repsonses have me utterly amazed. Thank you so much! <strong>

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**


	6. Chapter 6

"_You're so beautiful."_

_Julia giggled appreciatively before burying her face on Eli's bare chest. He stroked her long hair gently and despite how happy he was, he still couldn't handle the fact that her step mom was abusing her. Even worse - he wasn't allowed to say anything. He had to watch everyday as she came over and cried in his arms, giving her reassuring comfort even though it was all lies. He wanted to tell someone. But he couldn't._

_He promised._

"_How long am I allowed to stay here?" she murmured against his skin._

"_As long as you want," he replied softly._

_It was true. His parents even suggested the idea, though they had no idea about Julia's problems, they knew Eli and Julia were sleeping together. They even encouraged it which was odd but Eli's family has always been that way._

"_Good, because I'm too lazy to leave this bed," she laughed before whimpering quietly._

_Eli closed his eyes in pain before rolling Julia over to her side and taking in the fresh bruise stained over her skin. His fingertips lightly traced the blue and black mark before his lips gently touched. He felt her body shiver but he knew it wasn't because of pain._

"_Tell someone," he whispered, his lips still on her skin._

"_I can't," she sighed._

_She didn't sound angry yet more tired then anything. Eli traveled his lips over her soft skin until his lips met hers. He cupped her face and kissed her slowly, savouring the sweet scent her tongue gave off. _

"_Yes," he breathed against her lips before pulling himself fully away. _

"_I think my dad suspects something," she whispered. _

"_That's good. Did he talk to you about it?" _

"_No," she said, shaking her head. "Like he gives a shit. He's to busy burying himself in his work to realize his wife is an alcoholic bitch."_

_Eli knew how it was and he could only nod in understanding. But he wanted to do so much more. It killed him how torn he was with this. But he made a promise to himself. Once they graduate high school he's going to take her far, far away from her parents. They could be free and just be with each other. _

"_Let's go somewhere tomorrow," Eli suggested, stroking her cheek. "Just you and me."_

"_And where would we go exactly?" she asked with a smile._

_It was rare for her to have that smile on her face; one that was full of genuine happiness. But every time Eli could make it appear on her, he knew things would be okay for them. He knew Julia would get through this._

_He had faith._

_._

It didn't matter if he took his pills that morning - it was one of _those _days for him. Those days when everything feels dark, pointless and dull. However, he would admit he wasn't happy-go-lucky everyday, but this day was ten times worse than any others. There was a black hole deep inside him and today it was growing worse and worse.

He didn't know how he was going to handle being professional with Clare today. Even though he wasn't supposed to bring up his own baggage with a patient, he just knew though that today was not going to go the way that he planned.

He was going to see her though.

He had to.

He _wanted _to.

Yes, he admitted.] it. He wanted to see Clare Edwards because frankly, she was probably the most interesting person he's ever met and every time he was around her, he wanted to forget about all the questions he was supposed to ask her and just have regular conversation.

He still remembered that day when her mother prematurely tried to help her. She wasn't in the same mindset when she screamed and pleaded. She was back at _that_ place and Eli couldn't forget how much he just wanted to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay. It freaked him out that he was feeling this way towards a patient.

It also freaked him out how they had such a huge thing in common. How they both had to keep heavy secrets to their loved ones. Eli didn't exactly know what the secret was but he knew it was hard for Clare to keep it.

Just like it was for him.

When he made it to Clare's house, Helen Edwards greeted him politely before disappearing into the living room. She felt tense ever since Clare's 'episode' and just kept away from Clare's room when Eli was here. He was grateful she decided to take that approach.

"Hey!" Clare said cheerfully when he entered.

He merely nodded and felt terribly guilty when her face crumbled but he just couldn't bring himself to be fake in front of her. Even if he was in a deep depression.

"I'm going to ask some questions today," he stated monotonously, taking his regular seat and pulling out his notebook.

"I'm going to ask one first," she said softly. "Why are you so upset?"

"I don't have to answer that question," he responded flatly, pencil and eyes poised on his paper so he wouldn't have to look at her.

"You're not happy," she said quietly.

"Since when do I come off as 'happy'?" he asked, narrowing his eyes when he realized something. "I thought you hated people being happy?"

He finally looked up at her and her perfect baby blues sparkled. She gave a thoughtful expression, eyes trained in her lap before a slight apprehensive look took over.

"I don't mind it when you're happy," she admitted, slowly smiling. "You don't treat me like a crazy person. And you handle yourself well for being in such pain."

"What?" he blurted out in confusion.

"Your pills didn't work today, right? You're depressed and it's just one of 'those' days," she stated matter-of-factly. "It's because of her."

Eli didn't know how Clare knew any of this stuff but a part of him was intrigued by this. The other part was pissed off that she was getting in his business.

"Why do you do that?" he demanded, jaw clenched.

"Do what?" she asked innocently, chin lifted slightly.

"Talk about me and my life when we're supposed to be talking about _you_," he said, frustrated that he couldn't just leave and sleep until this depression went away.

She didn't respond. Instead, she carefully got off the bed and walked over to him, her head lowering to his level. She took his face in her hands and he closed his eyes by the softness of her skin.

"You helped me," she breathed. "I want to help you."

He opened his eyes and she smiled timidly before taking his hand. He was brought over to the bed and was motioned to lye down. He gave her a confused look but she only gave him a reassuring nod.

The bed was so soft and he wanted to sink himself inside it. His breath was shaky and he felt terrible. He curled up and closed his eyes, not caring that he was lying down in his patients' bed.

A pair of arms wrapped around him, and he froze in shock. He felt a hand search for his own and he cautiously interlaced his fingers with hers. They fit so perfectly and he was relaxed by the soft sound of her breathing.

"You're cold," Clare muttered against his neck.

"You're warm," he replied.

He was tired. Apart of him wanted to get up and try to endure what he had planned for today but the other part of him - the part that overruled all - wanted him to just stay in Clare's embrace forever. She didn't necessarily made him feel 100% better but it was helping him get through this dreadful day.

"You can sleep," Clare said. "You don't have to leave for another few hours. I'll wake you up."

"No. I shouldn't be doing this," he mumbled, sleep starting take over his system.

"Shh, it's okay," Clare soothed.

His eyes fluttered and, even though he kept fighting it, eventually fell asleep.

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you for whomever is still reading this. <strong>

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**


	7. Chapter 7

"_Clare."_

_She jerked to a halt and turned her head to the voice. A familiar pair of blue eyes and spiky hair peeked from behind a wall and Clare gasped inaudibly. _

"_Drew?" she breathed in disbelief, blinking to make sure this was reality._

_The tall male walked over to her cautiously, glancing a subtle look over in both directions. He offered her a small smile when he stopped in front of her._

"_Hey" he simply said, resting his hands inside his big, coat pockets. "How are you?"_

_Clare couldn't process anything just that second. Drew Torres was here at York. She hasn't seen him in two years ever since he ran away from home. No one has heard from him since the day he left and Clare almost fainted from the overwhelming satisfaction that he was okay. She couldn't stop herself from dropping her things and attacking him in a huge hug, sighing in relief._

"_Where have you been?" she demanded in his shoulder. _

"_I guess I was missed," Drew laughed, returning the hug. "And I'm not here to discuss about me."_

_Clare stiffened and slowly retracted herself away from Drew, peering up at him nervously. His brows were knitted together and a concerned gesture formed on his lips._

"_How is everything? With him?" he whispered._

"_Wait a second." Clare held up her hand to stop him, the gears in her head shifting at what he was asking. "No one hears from you for two years and you're suddenly back because you're worried about Adam?"_

"_I can't explain to you what happened. I'm not even supposed to be here right now." Again, he cautiously looked around. "If they find out, I'll be in trouble."_

_Clare grew worried and many scenarios popped in her head that made her grow cold on the spot. "Who? Who are 'they?'"_

"_Forget it," he dismissed groggily. "Just tell me how he is?"_

_Clare had to control her expression so he wouldn't notice. Besides Clare, Drew was always the person to look out for Adam. He was Adam's muscles whenever he was physically picked on and as much as Adam resented it - Drew always helped him._

_Until he left._

_A dark cloud fell over The Torres' when Drew left. Adam's mother became more tedious then usual and Drew's father was a mute. The absence crushed Adam. He always looked up to Drew and the two of them had a very close relationship. But when he left, poor Adam was left to deal with the overly-protective side of his mother lash out all on him instead of two sons. Clare was there for him of course and helped him get better but it was still a raw subject._

"_He's doing good," she finally responded monotonously. "University is treating him well."_

_She felt horrible for lying because Adam was hurting still and she promised she wouldn't tell anyone. But they were still picking on him and everyday she could see his mood draining and his interests plummeting. He stayed in his room for the remainder of his time and he barely responded to her texts or calls unless it was an emergency. _

_Drew's eyes pierced through hers with suspicion. "I know you want to protect him, Clare, but if there's something wrong you need to tell someone."_

"_You think you can just come back and give me orders when you were the one that left?" Clare scoffed in disbelief. "Adam is fine!"_

_Drew shook his head empathically. "Just take care of him, okay?"_

"_Been doing it since I was born," Clare replied sharply. "I'm guessing you're not staying long?"_

"_No. I have to go back tonight," he stated. "But I will be back."_

"_Fine," Clare nodded. "Goodbye, Drew."_

_He pulled her in a hug. "Take care, Clare."_

_She picked up her books and headed down the hall, never looking back._

.

She missed him.

She could still feel his cold body against hers and how much it gave her shivers. His touch was still prominently stained on her skin and she brought her hand to her chest in awe. They slept for a long time and he must've leaped out of the house when he woke up because when she woke up, he was gone. He skipped a week of their sessions and she was becoming anxious to see him again.

He was the only one she could to talk to without any limits because he treated her like a normal person and that was all she really ever wanted since what happened. And overall, she liked him as a person. Yes, he was mysterious and could be bitter at times but there was a whole other side of him that Clare was able to see beautifully. He was kind, patient and understanding. They both had an underlying connection that either wanted to admit. Clare hoped he would tell her one day though, because some crazy part of her mind thought she was that important to him.

When the door suddenly opened, her heart pulsed with excitement and she tried her best to hide the smile on her face. It did falter slightly when he didn't greet her and avoided eye-contact. She waited for him to look at her after taking his regular seat, but he didn't.

Clare was confused and started to become upset. It wasn't supposed to be this way. She thought maybe him taking a week off would clear his mind and things could go back the way they were.

"Hi," she said timidly, looking straight at him.

He flicked his pen in the air as a greet while keeping his eyes on his clipboard. The gesture made Clare frown sadly, her heart dropping instantly.

"Today I need you to tell me about Drew Torres," Eli said monotonously, eyes never leaving the clipboard.

Clare almost flinched by his cold demeanour. Whenever they would discuss anything, Eli would never bring up names. He was always gentle and cautious. Clare squinted her eyes in distaste when she realized what he was trying to do.

She might've been crazy but she wasn't stupid.

"And you think you're being professional by doing this?" Clare asked, ignoring his question with a jab of her own.

Eli finally looked at her, his eyes narrowing dangerously and his fist clenched tightly around his pen. She was getting him riled up but she didn't care at the moment.

"When I interviewed Drew Torres he said he visited you two weeks before the accident. Tell me what happened with that," Eli gritted, his breathing ragged.

"Stop pretending," she snapped, looking away in silent fury. "I don't need to be associated with anymore pretenders. I need you to be honest."

"He said you two had a brief discussion about Adam-"

That was it. The name let loose the chains that was guarding the crazy within. Clare lost it. She screamed in agony, thrashing herself on the bed. Her mind was scrambled and she didn't know how to stop. She cried incoherent words and she scratched herself repeatedly, leaving visible red marks that would later turn to scars.

She didn't realize someone was holding onto her as she continued to scream. Hands were wrapped around her waist tightly and Clare tried to push herself away.

"_LEAVE HIM ALONE!_" she cried, tears streaming down her face. "Don't do this! I need you!"

"I'm here, I'm here!" Eli soothed in her ear. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

She finally succumbed to his hold and her eyes closed tiredly, resting the back of her head on his chest.

"I needed him," she whispered, tears falling down her cheeks. "I don't…. need someone else to… Just stop pretending. Stop trying to hurt both of us."

She waited for him to say something, anything, because she couldn't take it anymore. She wanted to tell him everything. She wanted to finally come clean to someone because she was done keeping it bottled up. She was done going insane over this. But she couldn't tell him if he was being like this.

"I can't… Clare," he sputtered.

"I know you're scared, but _please_," she whimpered, holding onto his arms. "I'm scared too but I want to let you in. I need to make things right for him."

His breathing was shallow and she felt terrible all of the sudden, but she couldn't let him go. She was clinging onto him for dear life because he was the only thing she can find stability in. She wanted him to take care of her. To stay with her.

"I'm supposed to be helping you… Not falling for you."

She felt his head rest on her shoulder and her pulse quickened in delight. She turned herself around to face him, taking in his piercing green eyes. She held onto his face and placed her forehead against his, overwhelmed by the fleeting emotions going through her.

"It wasn't my intention either," she giggled quietly, tracing his jaw with her fingers.

Eli's eyes closed and he grabbed Clare's wrists, pulling them away from his face. Clare tried to catch his gaze but his walls were put up again.

"I need you to tell me what happened with Drew," he said lowly, sighing under his breath.

Clare looked down in her lap and pushed herself away, resting her back against the headboard. Eli got off the bed and went back to his seat, eyeing her patiently.

She just had to wait before he opened up to her. She kept repeating that in her mind because she knew it wasn't over yet. For now, she'll let him push it away.

Only a matter of time before things would come to a boil.

* * *

><p><strong>So sorry for the late update. Thank you so much for your sweet responses, enjoy!<strong>

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**


	8. Chapter 8

_The sound echoed loudly throughout the room, and heavy breathing followed afterwards. Julia glared menacingly at Eli, her fists clenched tightly at her sides. Eli gave her a blank look, rubbing the side of his pained jaw. She did quite a number when she slapped him, but he wasn't going to worry about that right now. He needed to calm her down._

"_How could you?" she demanded calmly, her rage quiet but noticed. _

"_It was getting worse, Jules. I had to tell someone," Eli explained sadly._

_He did it. After seeing Julia suffering this for too long he broke down and told his dad. Bullfrog then reported this to child services, which then led to Julia's father finding out and having everything boil over. Julia was beyond livid but it was for her own safety. There were too many bruises staining her skin each day and Eli couldn't take it anymore!_

"_I trusted you! Do you realize what you've done?" she yelled, tears streaming down her face. "My dad won't even look at me because he thinks I'm lying! I even showed him the bruises but he's in denial that his perfect wife turned out to be a complete nightmare for his daughter!"_

"_You can stay here until your dad sorts everything out," Eli said encouragingly. "Even child services said it was okay."_

_Her lips pressed into a thin line, and her eyes turned emotionless. "I'm not staying with you. I hate you for doing this to me. I was doing just fine before you fucked everything up."_

_Eli looked at her in disbelief. That was it. He was tired of putting up this charade of being calm. He tried to be rational for her sake and protect her as much as he could, but it was getting too fucking much._

"_Were you? Because if I remember correctly you'd come crying to me every night after she'd beat the shit out of you," he said harshly. "Of course you're fucking fine."_

"_I told you I don't want to be the victim! My dad needs me. I take care of things since Judith won't. You don't understand anything about me!"_

"_Oh, I understand plenty," Eli scoffed. "You care about your pride more then your fucking safety. I never thought you were this stupid."_

_Julia stood taken aback, stunned by his words. He didn't care. He was pissed off at her. She was being stupid and he didn't want to stand by and watch. He loved this girl. He loved her so fucking much and she was wasting away right in front of him._

"_I hate you," Julia said through clenched teeth. She turned away and went out the door but Eli wasn't finished. _

_He followed after her as she lifted her bike off his lawn in fury. She didn't dare to glance his way but he kept his angry gaze prominently on her._

"_I'm done helping you," he snapped venomously. "I just hope you don't wind up dead before 17."_

"_Thanks for the concern," she called back sarcastically, riding towards the sidewalk._

_It happened in an instant. Her angry stomps marched through the road just as the car swerved. The blinking lights kept Eli frozen in stone-cold fear. His mind couldn't process anything except for one word._

"_JULIA!"_

_SCREEEEEEEECH!_

__.

He swallowed the pill with ease, before taking a sip of water. The routine was consistent, and some days it gave him comfort. He kept thinking maybe if he took his pills and behaved well everyday it would just… go away. It was illogical thinking, and ironic considering he was a psychologist; whom knew very well bipolar syndrome was for life, but still, it was nice to think he could be normal for once.

He didn't expect much to happen today. He was going to see Clare and try to find out more information on everything. He was piecing things together but there was still a huge chunk missing. And it will be hard to find that missing piece given the circumstances he put himself through.

Yes, he was falling for her. He tried to stay professional, he tried to stay away and ignore her advancements but it was too damn frustrating. And knowing she had strong feelings for him in return caused things to become even more complicated.

She knew things. She was smart. Not a day goes by that Eli doesn't think of the time she basically asked him to tell her about Julia. He didn't want to bring _her _up ever. Not after everything that happened after her death; him spiralling out of control; finding out about his mental illness; the isolation he put through his fmaily - it was just too much.

He was exhausted as he climbed her steps; wondering if things would be comfortable and assuring for them, or tedious and miserable. He just wanted Clare to be okay. That's all he wanted. But even he knew it would take time for a full recovery. The higher powers didn't seem to give a shit. They've been up his ass recently even though he _clearly_ stated in the beginning things would take time.

She's in her regular seat; on the middle of the bed with her legs crossed, and her hands in her lap. She was staring intently at him, and he took in a deep breath.

"How are you today?" he asked softly, not moving an inch.

"Do I have to answer anymore questions today?" she asked quietly, as if she needed to tell him something.

He didn't have a line of questions to ask her today, he already gotten what he needed about Drew. Eli didn't realize how much trauma the Torres' family has gone through in such a short amount of time. Drew told him he had to leave because he was mixed up in gang violence, and didn't want to risk his family. It relieved Eli that Drew found a way out unscathed, but he knew things weren't easy for him and the family.

They probably never will be again.

"No," he shook his head, but he knew he should be finding out more information.

"Okay, I need to tell you something," she said, her posture leaning up just a bit.

By the tone of her voice, Eli knew it was going to be something serious and suddenly he had to tell her something important.

"Wait, me first," he interrupted, raising a hand hesitantly.

Clare looked at him expectantly, and he dropped his bag on the floor along with his jacket. He ran his hands through his hair and didn't understand why he was about to tell her this, but in his gut he knew he had to.

"You were right about a certain someone," he began lowly, slowly knocking down each wall that held up his secret. "My girl friend…. Julia was killed a few years ago."

He didn't dare look at Clare, his mind was reeling; an open womb has just been re-exposed to the world, and it burned. His fists clutched tightly and his breath turned to shallow pants. It was too much to bring this up. He couldn't do it. Not again-

"Eli?"

His head whipped up lucidly and Clare was standing in front of him, looking up at him with wide, blue, eyes. She raised her hand and softly caressed his cheek, her touch feather-light, barely there. It was enough to slow Eli's erratic heart beat and ragged breathing, his mind focusing on nothing but her.

"And then I couldn't deal with anything after that," he whispered, his eyes never leaving hers. "I was messed up and refused to let anyone help me. I was broken."

"As we all are," Clare said lightly, tracing his jaw tenderly as her other had cupped his neck.

Anger flared up inside him at her words; as if it were alright that he was a complete monster for years to his family, friends and even to Julia before she was dead. He grabbed both of Clare's wrists to stop her, holding onto them tightly while giving her a dangerous glare.

"That doesn't make anything better. I killed her, Clare. I betrayed her," he seethed, his grip tightening. "I promised I wouldn't tell anyone her step-mom was beating on her. It was shitty of me to promise but I did. But I finally broke and told someone. And then because of her anger towards me, she ended up getting hit by a car! A _fucking_ car!"

Clare tried to wriggle out of his grasp and that pulled Eli back to reality, he let her wrists go, with guilt washing over him for what he just done.

"I - I'm sorry… Shit… Clare I didn't-"

His words were cut off when she abruptly wrapped her arms around his shoulders, her head resting in the crook of his neck. Warmth enveloped him, rushing through his veins like adrenaline. Instinctively, he wrapped his arms around her, sucking her body deep into his.

Clare pulled away after they held each other for a long while, turning away from him but stopping before reaching her bed.

"It wasn't your fault, Eli. None of it was," she murmured. "You were just trying to help."

"Clare you don't understand-"

She swiftly turned around. "I do actually. I understand more then you know."

She looked determined, and it made Eli realize he struck a nerve.

"I shouldn't have told you anything…." he said somberly.

"I'm glad you did, because now I can tell you what I have to say," she countered confidently. "I'm going to tell you what really happened with Adam."

* * *

><p><strong><em><em>I wouldn't be surprised if anyone stopped reading this... I'm so, so sorry for the extremely late update but I've lost a lot of motivation to write. Mostly anything nowadays but I promise I'm not going to abandon this story. I may take time updating but I _will_ finish.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**


	9. Chapter 9

********TRIGGER WARNING********

"_Anyone know the square-root of…"_

_Clare couldn't concentrate on anything. Her mind was frantic and her palms were sweaty. Guilt was eating away at her. She finally told someone about the bullies assaulting Adam. She told one of her professors', one that was pretty friendly with Clare. She never meant to break Adam's promise, but Professor Gambrey was just… there, and listening. He reported the assaults to the Dean, but nothing happened._

_Adam didn't confess to anything._

_Clare knew it was because he didn't want to risk his secret setting loose. But that didn't stop Adam from completely ignoring her once he found out who the source was. And even worse, the Neanderthals that threatened to expose Adam ended up doing it. There were flyers around the school, some emails sent and most of the campus knew. Thankfully, University students were more mature than highschoolers, but that didn't make Adam feel any better. He's been hiding in his room ever since and all Clare wanted to do was comfort him._

_But every time she showed up, he cursed her away._

_Tears burned at the back of her eyes, but she blinked them away, scribbling some random thing on her paper to distract herself. But she couldn't concentrate. Not when Adam hated her, and not when she had to be in the same room as his tormentors; completely unscathed from punishment. Clare wasn't one to be vicious but she couldn't control the evil glare shot towards them. There were three of them. Two males and one female._

_One had black hair, and Clare knew him to be the homophobic jock on the football team. The other guy looked to be too much trouble to be in Algebra 11, and the female with dark, curly hair always had this stupid duck face expression on while being known as a common slut._

_Clare scoffed of how pathetic they were. If only they got what they deserved…._

_The door of the room was suddenly kicked opened and the professor was about to explode with anger until she cowered away in fear, her arms raised to defend herself. Clare looked towards the door, her blood running cold and fear overtaking her senses._

_Adam was standing at the door holding a gun._

_The whole room went silent, every student raked with fear. In contrast to the fear, Clare tried to rationally think why Adam was doing this, and how she could stop it._

_Adam walked to the front of the room, the gun tightly held in his hand. He turned towards the class with a menacing look._

"_Why hello class. Nice day out?" he asked, scanning the students._

_No one responded. Clare looked tentatively at Adam, willing himself to look at her. She decided to take matters into her own hands and stood up cautiously. Adam gave a surprised look before smiling sweetly._

"_Clare! I didn't know you were in this class," he chuckled. "Nice of you to come for the show."_

"_Adam, whatever is you're about to do, it's not worth it," she said gently. "Everything will be okay, just please put the gun-"_

_Fired shots caught off her sentence and ten people in the front were already gunned down, making Clare scream in sheer fear and pain. She saw the blood ooze out of the students, how still they were, and how they'd never movie again._

_This time she didn't hold the tears back._

"_Don't try to buy me with that bullshit!" he spat. "You _know _nothing will be okay again! And it's all because of those assholes." He pointed the gun to his three tormentors, their faces pale with fear._

"_Adam," Clare tried to soothe. She slowly walked down the middle aisle of steps, keeping her hands at bay. Thankfully, Adam didn't point the gun at her because she wouldn't know how to handle that. _

_She past by the dead bodies, the iron scent engulfing her senses and making her nauseous. _

"_Don't try to shrink me, Edwards," Adam scoffed. "I've been thinking about this for awhile."_

"_But Adam what will you accomplish by doing this?!" Clare protested. "Go to jail? Live the rest of your life in a jail cell and being miserable?"_

_Adam lifted his head towards her with a scary smile. "I'm already miserable."_

"_But we can change that." She moved closer to him. "We can leave this school, go wherever you want. Remember when we were little you said how you always wanted to go to Baltimore? So you could visit the world's biggest comic book store? We can still do that Adam. We can do anything."_

_Adam's head was bowed, his breathing low. Maybe she got through to him. Clare knew he was very stubborn but maybe this time he realized how scary this situation was and how he could ruin himself._

"_But I already killed those people." He pointed to the bodies._

_Clare looked at the bodies with wide eyes, her whole plan gone out of the window. She looked back to Adam's scared eyes and took in a deep breath._

"_We'll find a way," she promised._

_His expression suddenly changed to fury and his grip on the gun tightened. "Or I could stick with my first plan." _

_Clare tried to stop him but he fired more shots and this time the whole class was screaming. They were running around, trying to find a way to get out but Adam's gun beat them each time. Clare didn't know what else to do. Maybe she was in too much shock, or too much fear that she couldn't do anything except for sitting down in a corner and rocking herself._

__.

She didn't look at Eli. She was staring at her headboard, legs leaning against the front of her bed, while her arms covered herself. She didn't really feel anything when she decided to tell him. She just thought it was the right time or that she was tired of being silent.

"Adam was an FTM transgender. And he's been picked on his whole life. I protected him as much as I could and so did his brother, Drew, but it never really stopped. And add on top of that an over-protective, insufferable mother, you have the best child hood known to man!" she cried sarcastically.

She bit out a cold laugh and wondered if she was supposed to feel lighter after confessing a little bit. She didn't feel anything. But she had to get through it.

"Once we attended University, the harassments started," she sighed heavily. "I told him to tell someone. I _begged _him. But he wouldn't budge. He was always so stubborn."

Memories of her and Adam fighting over petty things brought a warmness to her heart, but her expression even stonier.

"Than one day I caved. I told one of my professors' what happened… and nothing happened. Adam wouldn't confess. His tormentors exposed him to school and after that he just… snapped."

She ran her hand through her curls, clutching onto them tightly, stalling on what she had to say next.

"He came into my math lecture with a gun. And he killed almost everyone. He stopped his rampage when it was down to his three tormentors and I."

.

_Clare couldn't breathe or think. All she saw was blood. Blood, blood and more blood. She stayed in the corner the entire time, fearing Adam might point the gun at her if she did anything. Her skin was burning with pain from her tears. Adam was staring down at the other remaining students. His tormentors. _

_Clare couldn't stand to watch anymore. She had to do something._

_She tried to pull herself up but collapsed to the ground, her joints stiff and numb. This wasn't real. It was as if she was in an alternate universe; an out-of-body experience. She couldn't process anything. Not even when she finally pulled herself up and dragged over to Adam. She felt like throwing up when being exposed to the smell of dead bodies. _

"_Adam," she whispered. Her entire body felt worn out and cold. "It's time to stop."_

_Adam wouldn't look at her, but his lips were trembling. "I need to make them pay, Clare. For causing me so much pain. Everyone needs to pay."_

"_No, no." She rested her hand on his arm, not realizing how dangerous that was. "No more revenge. You already screwed yourself over. Come on, let's go."_

"_Please, don't this," one of the male's voice pleaded in fear. "I-I'm sorry. We're sorry, I swear!"_

"_SHUT UP!" He pointed the gun straight at the football jock's face, shaking violently. "DON'T TRY TO FUCKING TELL ME YOU'RE SORRY."_

"_Forget about them," Clare scorned weakly. "They're not worth it."_

"_Do you have any idea how much I wanted to die every time your foot kicked my stomach," Adam began, walking over to the three students. "How much I screamed for help, but you'd just fucking IGNORE IT!. How you assaulted me and groped me because you thought I was a 'decent-looking' girl."_

_Adam stood in front of the male's desk, the gun pointed on his forehead. The older male cried, begging for help and praying to God._

"_Please, please, I'm sorry," he blubbered, looking right into Adam's eyes._

"_You didn't stop when I cried for help. Why should I?" Adam pulled the trigger and blood splattered over him and the other two students._

_The girl shrieked, screaming in pain and crying so hard, it was as if she had trouble breathing. Clare's stomach churned violently, and she held onto the desk for support. _

"_Now who's crying like a girl," Adam laughed at the curly-haired female, before shooting her in the chest. _

_Clare looked away, squeezing her eyes shut and praying for this to be over. But Adam's words were haunting her, clawing at her brain. _

"_So Fitzy boy, got any remarks to say? Because I'm waiting. Boy am I fucking waiting," Adam said snidely._

_All Clare heard was crying. She didn't know what to do. Even though she couldn't do anything, she felt like it was her fault that these people were dead. Like she could've done something to stop it._

"_Man, I'm s-sorry, just please let me go," the elder boy begged, his voice tired and terrified._

"_Remember that time you lifted up my shirt and ripped the binds off me?" Adam asked impatiently. "How much I howled in pain and all you could do was laugh? Good times, huh?"_

_Clare fell to the ground when the gun shot fired. Her hands raised to her mouth to muffle her screams. Adam's feet came into view and Clare looked up to see pain and sadness in his eyes; the threatening and violent boy gone. Clare shakily stood up, and Adam helped her. She was shocked he did._

_Was he going to kill her next?_

_It crossed her mind many times and the smell of the blood reeking the room made that possibility seem even more real._

"_Adam, what have you done?" she gasped, her breathing coming out in chokes._

"_You don't understand, Clare. I can't do this anymore." He looked defeated, his eyes strayed to the ground._

"_Then let's go," Clare pleaded, knowing the police was outside. "We can walk out of here together. I won't leave you."_

_Adam abruptly thrashes himself away, his hands holding his head. "No, Clare! I can't keep _living_ like this! Thinking that one day I'll be able to be treated as the guy I am. To live with no more pain or suffering. It won't happen!"_

_He started to cry, and Clare's stomach dropped, realizing where he was heading with this. "Adam, please. You don't have t-to do this. Everything will be okay. Think of the life ahead of you."_

"_WHAT LIFE?" he exploded, gesturing to the bodies, before putting the gun to his head. "Look what I've done, Clare! It's too late."_

_Clare's eyes bulged. "NO, Adam it's not-"_

_BAM!_

_The room went silent. She stared as his body plummeted to the ground, his blood staining the floor. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't think. All she saw was red. RED. RED. RED. She screamed, so raw that her lungs couldn't supply oxygen. She sobbed until she was choking. She collapsed, the blow so hard she couldn't stop convulsing. _

_She couldn't do anything. Everything was going dark. It was as if a black hole was reaching out for her, pulling her in the never-ending abyss. She couldn't do anything except for letting herself be pulled in. Maybe she'll join Adam?_

_She didn't care. The blood was prominent in her vision, it was always going to be there. She needed to get herself away but she couldn't. The darkness finally consumed her after one last choked sob._

_She didn't wake up until three days later._

__.

Clare stared straight ahead, feeling completely empty after telling Eli everything that happened. Was she supposed to feel elated? No, because all she felt was coldness. Did this magically cure her? No, because that wasn't possible. She didn't even know if she was certifiably insane. Eli didn't diagnose her.

She just didn't know what to do. This was the first time she's ever told anyone what _really _happened. What it was like on the inside, witnessing everything. It wasn't some shortened, made-up version to please viewers. It was the honest version. The terrifying version.

Chills crawled up Clare's spine. She was going to have to face him at one point. She wondered what was exactly supposed to happen. Was he going to leave and tell the cops? The Dean? Anyone who hired him?

She turned around, and saw the feared expression on his face, only one thing on her mind. "Is this the part where you're supposed to comfort me?"

She didn't know what to exactly do. She was surprised she hasn't lost it yet. She waited for Eli to do something, anything. He just stood there completely still, eyeing her in the most heartbreaking way she's ever seen. She almost started to tear up, but her mind was too set on an empty void.

"Clare," he breathed out as a choke. He slowly walked over, his eyes never leaving hers.

She looked up at him, when he stopped in front of her. They were standing very close to each other and Clare didn't know what to do. She was waiting for the spasms to come; her irrational screaming, her pained cries, her memories plaguing her vision. But all she could see was Eli. She looked in his beautiful green eyes before trailing down to his sculpted sharp jaw. She stared at his light pink, curved lips and restrained herself from touching him.

She looked down at his chest, and softly placed her hand over it. "Do you hate me?"

"How could you ask that?" Eli sounded heartbroken, his hands gently grazing Clare's shoulders.

"It's… my fault, Eli," she looked up at him again. "I was _there _for the whole entire thing… and I couldn't do anything about it. I was useless."

Eli narrowed his eyes. "Don't you ever say that. You couldn't control any of this."

"But I could have!" Clare yelled, breaking away from Eli's grasp. "I've been protecting Adam my whole life and I should've gone sooner when I found out! But he had to _leave me_! I have to live through the fact that I saw my best friend kill himself because of something I could have helped with. And now I'm all alone. I'm selfish, I know. But he was the only person that was there for me."

She was crying, but it wasn't the hysterical kind she's been doing for the past few months. It was the type of cry that said she had enough. She was tired of everything. She was tired of being a prisoner to her own life and she was tired of staying in the past. And as inappropriate as it was, she was tired of her and Eli dancing around their feelings for each other.

"You can keep blaming yourself for the rest of your life if you want," Eli began, staring at her with blank eyes. "Or you can recover. It will take time but I'll be here for you. I want you to be okay, Clare."

His words sent irrational anger surge through her. She glared at him menacingly. "Why? Because I'm some pity case? You want to be satisfied with yourself that you got through a patient? So you can be _successful_?!"

Eli's expression was mixed with confusion and anger. "No. You not that's not true."

"How am I supposed to know?! Maybe this was your plan all along! Become close to me, make me spill the beans. You were hired to find out what was wrong with me. Well, did you?! You know I'm already crazy! You saw me. What are you waiting for? Go tell the doctors, the school, everyone! Because that's all that matters, right? Just so Crazy Clare won't be a disease to other people," she spat, her hands balled into fists.

Eli's eyes widened. "Do you even hear yourself right now?! I told you about Julia! Something I promised I would never bring up again. I got close to you because it just happened. It was _never _my intent for this to happen. You think I like thinking about you all the time? Wanting to be with you even though I'm supposed to be _helping_ you! I want to you be okay because I care about you!"

"I… I don't know what to do anymore." She held her head tightly, trying to figure out what to do next. "I'm so messed up. How will I know you'll stay with me? You shouldn't have to deal with me now that you…" she closed her eyes painfully. "Know everything."

"Because…" he took in a deep breath. "I love you."

Clare looked at him in shock, her voice paralyzed. She saw the look in his eyes. The same one that always made her heart skip a beat, and terrify her all at once. She knew he had feelings for her and knew he was trying to fight them for so long. But now there was no torment in his eyes. He was confident and sure, and Clare wanted to run to him.

"I…" she could find any words.

"I know I just sprung this on you and I don't expect you to feel the same way but I can't fight it anymore!" Eli's sudden outburst stunned her. Her walked over to her, but kept a few spaces between them. "I may lose my job but I can't let you stay like this. I want you to get better, Clare. I want to see you live your life and go outside and enjoy the sun. To have no more sadness and pain in you. I want you to be happy."

His words were so genuine and Clare just looked at him. That's all she could do because she didn't want this moment to end. She didn't necessarily feel better but she did feel something. He wants her to be better. He believes she will. He believes in _her._

"I want to be happy again too," she whispered, her voice cracking.

Eli smiled softly at her and held her arm. "Good, because you deserve to be."

She took a hold of the arm holding hers and grabbed him towards her; she looked into his eyes one more time before burying her face in his chest. He held onto her tightly, and she just breathed in and out because she didn't want to think of anything else. She didn't want to do anything else.

She just wanted to stay frozen in time, content in Eli's arms.

* * *

><p><strong>I know I've been gone for a long time, but I'm still pushing through with this story. Thank you so much for the love. <strong>

**Disclaimer: I do not own Degrassi.**


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